


The Truth

by Gayle_fic



Series: Long Road Ahead [11]
Category: Actor RPF, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Established Relationship, Evanstan - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 21:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18710440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayle_fic/pseuds/Gayle_fic
Summary: Chris has to finally tell the truth about his feelings.





	The Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to everyone for reading and leaving comments and kudos.  
> Can't believe I'm on part 11!  
> Really hope you stick with me to the end of all this.  
> Thanks again :)

Sebastian had no idea what the time was, daylight was streaming through the windows and a searing pain pierced his head. He could see the clock by his bed but to look up at it would tilt his world and he knew it would only make him sick. This was how he had woken up for the last couple of weeks. After a night of drinking to numb himself he would hide from the day till his hangover eased and he would start again.

After Chris had walked out, he began regretting every word he had said wanting to take it all back and just have Chris come back to him. Dan had come back to the apartment and when he saw the state Sebastian was in and he got the full story. Sebastian couldn’t have dealt with the last couple weeks on his own if he had not had Dan around. Dan was just glad to know what was going on with his friend. Despite not being able to stop him drinking himself into a stupor he had made sure Sebastian was not on his own and had someone to talk to.

They had talked it through so many times in different states of drunkenness, but never when Sebastian was sober, Dan could see he was still in the secrecy mode he’d been in for the last year, keeping that part of his life to himself. When Sebastian had a couple drinks in him, he would open up, first with anger then with heartache. Dan had maintained that he had done the right thing; he couldn’t change Chris’ situation, that was down to Chris and it was only Chris that could change it.

“Seb?” Dan’s voice called through the apartment.

“Yeah?” Sebastian didn’t move.

“Dude, come on you need to get up.” Dan came in to the room and opened the blind.

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut, “Fuck, close it!”

“No,” Dan pulled at the covers only to reveal a fully clothed Sebastian unchanged from the night before. “You said you would make an effort to get out today.”

“I lied.” Sebastian croaked.

“We are going to go out Sebastian, get up and get showered.” Dan said chucking a towel at him.

When Sebastian finally joined Dan in the kitchen, he was handed a coffee. He looked as rough as he felt and despite showering he had made no effort to shave or brush his hair.

“We should get out for a walk.” Dan suggested.

Sebastian looked at his phone, there had not been a message or call from Chris since the night he had left, and Dan had done well stopping a drunk Sebastian call or message him.

“What day is it?” Sebastian asked.

“Thursday, why?”

Sebastian gave a sad smile, “It’s nothing.” He put his phone on the counter.

“What about the gym?” Dan suggested. “Anything just to get out and see some daylight.”

“I could eat.” Sebastian said, “There is a place I’d like to try.”

Dan shrugged, “Sure man anything, just as long as they don’t service tequila.”

Sebastian gave a visible shudder, “No I’m off it, for a few hours anyway.”  

It was a cold winter in New York and Sebastian could feel the bite at his cheeks and nose despite hiding under several layers including, a baseball cap, a hoody and a coat. He walked briskly, Dan kept up and kept the conversation going, Sebastian wasn’t sure what about, but he tried his best to listen, but he was on a mission. When he finally slowed down, he began looking round for a place to stop and eat.

Dan panted beside him and rubbing his hands together to get some heat, “What the fuck are we doing in Midtown anyway?”

“What about here?” Sebastian motioned to a small café amidst the theatres lining the street.

“You marched me halfway up Manhattan for this place?” Dan said aghast. He sighed when Sebastian gave him sad pathetic look. “Fine but you are paying and I’m having the works!”

Dan had ordered for them both as Sebastian nestled into a window seat. He wanted to be able to see out just in case.

“You must think I’m an idiot if you think I don’t know why we are here.” Dan said breaking the silence.

“You think I’m mad?” Sebastian asked, he felt stupid.

Dan shook his head, “No.” Dan looked out down the street to where Sebastian’s own eyes kept going. A small theatre front on a busy street. “This feels like stalking.” Dan said with a smirk.

“He might not even be there.” Sebastian said his voice barely a whisper.

Sebastian knew Chris was due to be in New York today, he was meant to be meeting the director and the cast of the Broadway show he was going to be doing in a few months. Sebastian had watched Chris carefully as he spoke about the play and his excitement about his Broadway debut. As much as there had been excitement, Sebastian could feel the nerves catching in Chris’ words. He had spoke a mile a minute about it and he kept itching at his hand as he spoke. Sebastian had reached out and taken hold of his hand and let his finger trace circles gently on his palm. He had smiled as Chris seemed to steady his breath and slow down gazing at Sebastian.

_“It’ll be great, I can’t wait to see you up there.”_

_“You’ll come see the play?”_

_“I wouldn’t miss it.”_

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. The memory of two weeks ago made his stomach flip and sink.

“I don’t know why you are doing this to yourself Sebastian.” Dan said watching the pain cross his friends face.

“I just can’t believe it’s over.” Sebastian couldn’t meet Dan’s gaze. “It was just such a big part of me, he was a big part of my life.”

“Yeah a life you had to keep hidden.” Dan reasoned. “You don’t deserve that.”

“It wouldn’t have been any easier if people knew either.” Sebastian lent forward and kept his voice low. “Do you think we would have just been accepted like a normal couple and been allowed to get on with it?”

“Why do you think you wouldn’t?” Dan asked. “We all love you Seb, not one of us would care if you came out, you could fuck whoever you wanted.”

Sebastian shook his head, “I don’t mean you guys or my family. It’s this business, the media, the public persona. So what if I was gay, straight or bi. But Chris and I together? We wouldn’t have been able to live without people watching our every move and commenting, then what would that do for my career and his career?”

“You are saying it like you think it would have been a negative reaction, I bet there are plenty of people who would have been pleased to see you together.” Dan said encouragingly.

They both pulled back as the waitress came over with their food. Sebastian felt a smile on his face for the first time in days. The thought of people being happy that he and Chris were a couple warmed him. They thanked the waitress and Dan started tucking in to his food.

“I know you have thought about this a lot Seb,” Dan said round a mouthful of food. “But you are making excuses, whatever reason you are making up for it not working, don’t forget the real reason.” Dan looked Sebastian in the eye, “He was cheating on you as much as he was cheating on her, the only difference, was you knew about it and you let him.”

Sebastian dropped his gaze to his plate. He could feel his defences kick in, “He wasn’t ready to deal with it.”

“Bullshit!” Dan shouted. They both winced and gave an apologetic smile to the table next to them. Dan leaned in and whispered, “Bullshit. He had a year Sebastian, a year to do something about it. How many times did you guys need to fuck for him to realise he liked it and liked you?” Dan felt bad, he knew it wasn’t easy for Sebastian to hear but he had watched Sebastian go though so many emotions in the last couple of weeks, he wasn’t about to let him feel guilty for something that wasn’t his fault.  

Dan looked back at the theatre, “What are you going to do if you see him? Ask him to start over again?”

“No.” Sebastian stated flatly. “I just… fuck I don’t know.” Sebastian placed his head in his hands, he could feel tears starting to fall. “I just want to know if any of it was real.” He rubbed the heel of his hand into his eyes. “He said it wasn’t just a fling.” He said looking back as Dan.

Dan gave a nod, “Okay, and do you not think he’d have been in touch if anything had changed?”

Sebastian opened his mouth to reply but closed it again. Dan was right, Chris hadn’t been in touch, so he didn’t know if anything about the situation had changed. If it had Chris obviously hadn’t let Sebastian know and wasn’t ready to. Or maybe he didn’t want to take it any further. On the other hand, if nothing had changed then he was back at square one and he couldn’t go back to that, being the other person.

“You’re right.” Sebastian pushed his plate away. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“I’m sorry Seb, I didn’t mean to… you know.” Dan felt bad for bringing Sebastian down off what little hope or dream he had by coming here.

“It’s ok, I know I should have told you about this a long time ago, maybe then I wouldn’t be here now feeling like an idiot.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh.

“Dude, you’d still be an idiot, just not a heartbroken one.”

Sebastian laughed, “Thanks man.”

“Are you going to eat that?” Dan said pointing at Sebastian’s plate.

“Yes, get off!” He said batting Dan’s fork way.

Once they had finished their lunch they headed back out to the street, Sebastian looked back at the theatre, if Chris had been there Sebastian didn’t really have anything he could say, it really was down to Chris.

“Hey how about I get the guys together for a quiet drink tonight?” Dan said patting Sebastian on the shoulder and taking his attention in a different direction. “They’re worried about you.”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian said falling into line with Dan as they walked up the street.

“That photographer is still in town.”

“Oh my god, you aren’t seriously suggesting a hook up are you?” Sebastian groaned.

“No… just someone other than me to entertain you for the night, just to take your mind off things.”

“No!” Sebastian said firmly.

“Ok how about we all go out, that way it’s not a big deal, just get you out and show people you are alive.” Dan said as convincingly as he could.

“Maybe.” Sebastian said with a sigh.

“Maybe is good.”

-

“Is that Sebastian?” Jenny said as the town car approached the theatre.

Chris looked at Jenny, she was pointing out of window back up the street. Chris instinctively turned to look but with the scattered commuters on the street wrapped up against the cold there was no way to identify anyone.

Chris could feel his heart in his throat, he let out a breath and turned back to face forward, avoiding any eye contact with Jenny. He could feel her gaze on him. He cleared his throat and shrugged.

“Nah, what would he be doing here anyway?” Chris said. He looked to his assistant Megan in the front passenger seat who watched him in the mirror.

“Does he live in New York?” Megan asked knowing fine well he did.

“Yeah, Chris was going to try see him last time he was here.” Jenny said tapping his knee.

Chris just shook her head, “He wasn’t in town.”

Megan rolled her eyes and got out the car when she saw Jenny looking back at her in the rear-view mirror.

Jenny squeezed Chris’ knee, “Maybe we could catch up with him this time?”

Chris’ breath caught in his throat. “I’d don’t know, we are only here for a short trip.”

Jenny narrowed her eyes on him. “Yeah sure.”

Chris got out the car and couldn’t help looking back down the street, the fear and hope of seeing Sebastian walking there.

Chris was consumed with the memories of the last time he’d seen Sebastian. The argument replaying over in his mind, wishing he had said nothing in the first place to cause it, then wishing he had made a better argument for him not to walk away. Chris had barely slept since that night, if the argument wasn’t in his mind then touch and feel of Sebastian being close to him was.

When he had left Sebastian’s apartment, he had found himself wandering aimlessly, unsure what to do or where to go. Finally he decided on a hotel room, he had thought that he would let Sebastian calm down and he’d speak to him the next day. He didn’t though. Chris felt hurt and angry; he couldn’t believe that Sebastian thought he was nothing to him; that it was all just about sex. All Chris knew was Sebastian had begun to push him away.

The little things that had bugged Chris started to come back to him, the little shows of affection Chris had tried to give Sebastian, a touch that he pulled away from, a change of subject when talking about being in New York for the play, the suggestion of being a couple for a night out. Sebastian had shut them all down and Chris knew why, of course he did. Sebastian was protecting himself; he was already giving his all to Chris and Chris couldn’t even give him half of that.

Chris knew he had no right to be jealous or to even try place blame at Sebastian’s door. He knew about his relationship with Jenny; he had had his own relationship with Margo, but he had ended it because he didn’t want to hurt anyone especially when he wasn’t sure how he felt. Sebastian had been the better man and Chris had just carried on despite the risk of hurting people and now he had hurt the one person he cared so much about.

The following morning Chris had found himself on flight back to LA, unable to face the mess he had made, he felt if he was going to do something right for once it was to leave and not hurt Sebastian anymore. When he got home, he was exhausted, and he wanted to hide. He had told Jenny he thought he had flu and stayed in bed for days, checking his phone all day in the hope Sebastian might contact him. Chris found some old voice messages and listened to them on loop until he threw his phone against the wall in frustration, angry and feeling hopeless.

Chris had woken one morning to a hand running through his hair and before he came too, Sebastian’s name was off his lips and a familiar ache in his chest roused. His eyes shot open; sitting on the edge the bed was Megan.

“Chris what have you done?” Megan’s voice was gentle and the look on her face was one of concern and understanding. Chris let the tears he had kept hidden flow, Megan held his cheek and tried to calm him. “You’ll feel better just let it out.”

Chris sat at the kitchen counter while Megan made him something to eat, he hadn’t bothered to make anything for himself in days. He held onto the warm cup in front of him and tried to think where to start. He wasn’t sure how much Megan had worked out and how much he wanted to divulge, but one thing Chris had learnt over the years, he didn’t have a choice, Megan would find out everything eventually.

“So… when did it all start?” Megan said pushing a plate up to Chris.

Chris shook his head he wasn’t sure, “I think there has always been something there, I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel something for him.”

“Was it the same for him?” Megan took a seat beside Chris and sipped her coffee.

A small smile came over his face, “He told me that when we were doing the combat training for winter solider that there was a moment when he was on top of me, that he had an urge to kiss me.” Chris looked at Megan who smiled back. “I knew the moment he was talking about, something clicked.” The smile faded from his lips, “He said is scared him, he didn’t know what to think but he couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

“When did you first kiss then?” Megan asked smiling.

“On the last press tour.” Chris looked down at his hands.

“Oh my god!” Megan threw her hands up in the air, “That is who you were hiding in the room in London?”

Chris’ brow was knitted together, “What?”

“I came to your room, you freaked out when I came in unannounced…” Megan rattled off.

“Oh yeah…” Chris couldn’t help but giggle, the memory warming him. “We had just…”

“I don’t need details!” Megan cut him off, “Not yet anyway.” They both laughed.

Chris picked at his plate of food, “It was all so crazy, all I could think about was getting time alone with him. I just wanted to grab him and kiss him.” He sighed, “I still do.”

Megan rested a hand on his arm and squeezed. “All this time, I thought it was Jenny that was making you happy.”

Chris looked at Megan, “She does.”

Megan shook her head, “Not lovesick happy Chris.” She took his hand in hers, “You treat Jenny like she is a friend, a good one… but you are in love with someone else.”

Chris let out a puff of air, “Love, is a strong word.”

Megan rolled her eyes at him, “It’s also a strong feeling, that has man curled up in his bed for days ignoring the world.”

“Meg I can’t be in love with Seb if I’m…” Chris was lost, he didn’t really have an argument.

“What?” She urged, “Come on spit it out!” She let go of hand in mock frustration.

“I’m straight.” Chris said.

Megan stared at Chris for a moment and scoffed, “Excuse me?”

“Ok… I just… this is…” he stumbled trying to explain himself.

“Let me help you out there Chris…” Megan cleared her throat. “You are an asshole. An asshole who has led two people on for so long, you don’t even know what they are to you anymore.”

Chris could feel himself getting angry as Megan spoke. He nodded his head and tutted, murmuring under his breath.

“I can tell you _why_ you are with Jenny.” She poked at his arm. “You are scared of what other people will think instead of caring about how Sebastian or Jenny feel.”

“I care how they feel.” Chris bit back.

“Really and how do they feel today?”

“I haven’t…”

“Oh you haven’t spoken to either of them because you are too busy hiding and thinking about yourself?” Megan stated.

Chris stood up and grabbed the plate from in front of him and walked away, he let it clatter in the sink before turning back to Meg. “Why aren’t I allowed to take time to deal with how I feel?”

“Because you have had over a year!” Megan shouted. “While that poor boy and girl have just been dancing to your tune!”

“Seb could have ended it anytime he wanted.” Chris justified.

Megan stood up, “But he didn’t because he cares about you.” Megan lowered her voice. “He has now though and that’s because you can’t admit your own feelings. And what about Jenny, she hasn’t been given the choice.”

Chris covered his face; he could feel himself in the beginning of a panic. Megan stepped forward and held onto his forearms and pulled his hands from his face, the tears were streaming down his cheeks. She pulled him to her, and he hid in her shoulder.

“I’ve lost him.” The words were barely audible.

 Megan sighed, “He’s still there, you don’t stop loving people over night.”

Chris held on tight to Megan for, “I do…”

Megan knew what he meant, and it brought a smile to her face, “I know you do and I’m pretty sure he does too.” Chris sighed into her shoulder. “You have something else to do Chris before pursing this.” She squeezed him back.

Chris had met with Jenny the next day and was instantly bombarded with plans for her brother’s wedding that was less than a month away. Chris had been invited to the bachelor party and it was meant to happen this weekend. They were heading back to Boston tomorrow and Chris had forgotten.

“I’m sorry with being sick this week it went out my head.” Chris explained.

“You are still going to go though, right?” Jenny asked. “He’s so excited.”

“Yeah,” Chris said smiling at her, “Course I am.” Chris’ smile dropped when she looked away.

In the back of his head he could hear Megan, telling him to get on with it. How was he to do this, what was he to say to her, how much should he say? He didn’t know so he didn’t.

When Megan spoke to him the following day, he could tell she was disappointed. “There will always be another excuse, it’s just going to hurt more the longer it goes on.”

\--

Outside the theatre Jenny turned to Chris, “You know what, I might just go see if I can get a wedding gift. I’ll just come back when I’m done.”

Chris looked at Jenny and shrugged, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” She forced a smile.

“Well, take the car?” Chris said looking between the driver and Megan.

“Sure, just come back for us.” Megan smiled.

“Thanks,” Jenny gave Chris a kiss on the cheek. “Good luck.”

Chris waved Jenny off in the car and took a deep breath and smiled at Megan who just shook her head, “She got the wedding gift delivered last week, she has been talking about of for weeks.” Megan said rolling her eyes.

“What?” Chris asked confused looking after the car.

“Forget it, focus! Let’s get going.” Megan pushed him towards the door.

Sebastian and Dan crossed the street in the direction of Sebastian’s apartment. During their walk Dan had negotiated that a few friends could come up to Sebastian’s for a quiet drink and pizza. He couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t bring his new friend for Sebastian to meet again.

“I’ll give you a buzz once I hear back from everyone. Just make sure you get freshened up and change and I’ll bring the rest, I could even…” Dan stopped and turned suddenly aware Sebastian wasn’t beside him.

Sebastian had slowed to a snail’s pace and was looking up ahead to his apartment building. He could see the figure of the woman leaning against a car waiting.

“That’s Jenny.” Sebastian said taking a deep breath.

His mind was racing if Jenny was there, Chris must be too. Would he bring her to his apartment? Was she there by herself?

“Chris’…” Dan trailed off.

“Yeah.” Sebastian considered turning and walking in the opposite direction, despite his earlier plans of waiting for Chris at the theatre this was out of his control, his heart pounded fast in his chest. Just then Jenny looked directly at him and stood up from the car and gave a small wave. Sebastian’s feet continued to propel him forward, but his head was screaming no.

As they got closer, he gave her a smile and tapped Dan on the back, “I’ll call you after.”

“Are you sure?” Dan said discreetly, Sebastian just nodded.

“Call me!” Dan said giving Jenny smile as he passed her.

“Hey, I hope I’m not scaring anyone off.” Jenny said motioning to Dan.

“No, no, he is heading home.” Sebastian paused and then they both went in for an awkward hug. “How are you?” He said, looking at the car they were stood beside.

“I’m good.” She said nervously, “I hope you don’t mind me turning up like this. Chris is in New York meeting with the director and cast of a show he’s doing, so I thought I’d go a wander.”

Sebastian nodded, he wasn’t sure if he was meant to know about the play or what he should or shouldn’t say. There was part of him relieved that Chris wasn’t there with Jenny, but it also terrified him that she was there at all.

“Do you want to come in?” He silently prayed she said no.

“Sure, only if I’m not interrupting anything.” She said with gentle smile.

 _Fuck_.

“No, come in and get something warm to drink.” He said cursing his own politeness.

They took the stairs and just talked about the cold weather. Once in the apartment Sebastian took his coat off and offered Jenny a drink. He tried to block every feeling that was pulsing through his body right at that moment. Chris was in New York, that hurt. Jenny was in his apartment, that made him nervous. Jenny was hovering round the couch where he and Chris had fucked more than once, that made him feel guilty and now she was stood in the spot where Chris had begged him just two weeks ago not to end their affair, that made Sebastian angry.

“Here you go.” He said handing her a cup.

“Thank you,” Jenny said gratefully, “You have a nice apartment.”

“Thanks.” He smiled.

“You know Chris was talking about buying an apartment in the city.” Jenny said looking at Sebastian who sipped his drink. “But he think’s he’ll just rent, while he is here.”

“Right, for the play.” Sebastian nodded.

“I thought he might have looked when he was here a few weeks ago but he ended up coming home early.”

Sebastian could feel Jenny’s eyes on him. He took another sip of his drink and moved to sit down on the couch. He didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t sure if she was just making chitchat or if she was angling for something. Jenny walked over to the window and looked down at the street.

“He said he would try catch up with you when he was here.” Jenny said looking back to Sebastian. “Did he get to see you?”

Sebastian knew it was a loaded question, he had no idea what Jenny knew, and he wasn’t sure since he and Chris hadn’t spoken if she knew that they had seen each other. Sebastian decided that any truth was better than a lie. “Yeah, we caught up, went for a coffee.”

Even as the words came out his mouth, he knew something was wrong with the answer. Jenny nodded and pursed her lips. “He is in town a lot.”

“Really?” Sebastian really didn’t think he was but for Jenny it might have seemed that way.

“Yeah and he always talks about you.” Jenny said. “How else do you think I knew where you lived?”

Sebastian could feel his breath shallow in his chest, he swallowed thickly. “Right.” Was all he could say.

“Thing is I know he is lying to me Sebastian; he thinks I don’t know or notice.” Jenny walked over and put her cup down and sat in the seat across from him. “He is seeing someone.” She said pointedly.

She watched Sebastian for a reaction. Sebastian couldn’t hide the flush of nerves and the heat flooding him, he put his own cup on the table and clasped his hands to stop them shaking and giving him away.

“He’s seeing someone isn’t he Sebastian?” She was demanding an answer.

“Look,” his voice broke, “this is something you need to talk to Chris about...”

“I’m talking to you because I don’t need some bullshit answer from Chris.” Jenny’s voice was calm and her eyes never left him.

Running his hands through his hair he could feel himself becoming emotional, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be the one to tell her anything.

“Please Sebastian, is he here when he says he is or is he out with someone else?” Her plea softening her whole presence.

Sebastian realised she didn’t know; she didn’t know it was him. She thought that he was just Chris’ cover story, it also made him realise that Chris must have told her every time he had come to see him. Sebastian didn’t know if that was worse or not.

“He was here, and he’s come here a few times. There is nobody else.” It was the truth at least Sebastian thought.

Jenny’s shoulders sagged and she ran a hand over the back of her neck. “I’m sorry.” She sighed and looked back at Sebastian. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

“It’s ok.” Sebastian said, he felt sick.

“I don’t know what is going on with him and I was so sure there was another woman, especially after last time.” Her eyes were searching as if hunting for something in a memory.

“Last time?” He asked.

“Coming home early and being so shut off and down.” Jenny gave him a quizzing look. “Why did he come home early, what happened? Something must have.”

Sebastian shook his head and rubbed his sweating hands on his thighs. “I don’t know.”

“He said he thought he had flu, but no…” Jenny shook her head too.

Jenny apologised to Sebastian over and over for turning up and asking him these questions. Sebastian knew she probably had more then what she probably started with when she left. When the door was closed Sebastian finally let out the emotions that had built up. He took out his phone, he was angry, but tears blurred his vision. Wiping them furiously he pulled up Chris’ number and sent a message.

_Jenny was here._

Chris felt his phone vibrate, he checked it, it was Jenny saying she was heading back to the hotel. He was just finishing and taking a couple of his cast mates number when he felt his phone go again. His heart stopped when he saw Sebastian’s name, everything else suddenly zoned out. It took him a moment to open the message, a mixture of bitter excitement and fear. When he read the message, he wasn’t sure what he was reading. Jenny had seen Sebastian; she had gone to see him. His whole world spun. _Fuck, Fuck, Fuck._ The confusion was suddenly replaced by panic, Chris went to find Megan.

When they arrived back at the hotel Chris didn’t move to get out car. He hadn’t spoken the entire way back. He had told Megan about Sebastian’s message.

Megan reached over and squeezed his arm to take Chris out of his daze. “The truth Chris, just tell her the truth.”

“I don’t know what they have even spoken about.” Chris looked at his phone, “I can’t call and ask him.”

Megan sighed, “Stop trying to think of ways around this. You’ll feel better I promise. Just be honest.”

Chris got to the room and he didn’t pause, if he did, he wouldn’t go in at all. The room was dull as the night was coming in. There was a glow from the screen of Jenny’s laptop on the table but no sign of her. Chris threw his jacket down and looked at the screen that emitted the cold glow of light.

The screen was filled with thumbnail search engine pictures, all of Sebastian and himself. Just premieres and press and a few photoshopped. Chris clicked on the next tab and it was a group of images from their last press tour, despite himself a smile crept on his face as the memories of those moments came back, they had all had fun, him, Anthony and Sebastian. Chris clicked on the last tab and it was a slow playing image of himself and Sebastian looking between each other sharing a joke but it was the linger, the small touch and the knowing smile between them. It was there and no hiding it.

“It’s him isn’t it?” Jenny voice came out of the dark and startled Chris. “It’s been him all along hiding in plain sight.”

The room now filled with a warm glow as Jenny put the table light on beside her. She was sat up on the couch, her knees to her chest. Chris could see she had been crying.

“I saw him today,” Jenny said as Chris went closer. “He was so nervous, so uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand, am I that scary?” She let out a cold laugh. Chris sat down and listened. “I believe him when he said you were there, all those times.” Jenny looked at Chris for the first time and Chris could feel the hurt and anger coming from her. “He lied though, said there was no one else.”

It was a challenge more than a statement and Chris knew this was his opportunity to do the right thing. He just didn’t know what to say.

“It’s him isn’t it?” Jenny asked.

Chris nodded, “I have feelings for him, I have for a while.” His voice was a whisper.

Jenny looked away and her whole body reacted, flinching at his words, there was a heave and sob in her chest as all her thoughts were confirmed. “Jesus, how long?” When Chris didn’t say anything she shouted, “How long Chris?”

“A year.” He finally said.

Jenny sobbed as she tired to process it, all the memories of the past year, all their time together and more importantly their time apart. “Who knows?” She finally asked.

“No one.” Chris said trying to stay calm, there was nothing he could do, he couldn’t comfort her.

“That is a lie.” Jenny said looking at Chris, “Megan knows.” Chris looked at her, he knew Megan wouldn’t have said anything. “It was written all over her face today.”

Jenny got up started walking aimlessly round the room. “Do you know how I knew where to find him today.” She stopped and behind Chris and he shook his head, “Because all you do it talk about him. All the time. I feel I know more about Sebastian than I do about you.” She continued pacing, “When I left it all fell in to place, I was leaving the apartment of my boyfriend’s lover.”

Chris looked up her “Jenny I never meant to hurt you.”

“Did any of this mean anything? Or are you just one big lie?” Jenny seemed to shrink and when Chris went to stand, she puffed herself back up, she didn’t want him to touch her, comfort her, she just wanted the truth.

“I do care for you.” Chris ignored her scoffing laugh.

Chris did get up and walked away from her, for the last few weeks he had kept all his feelings to himself and yes he was to blame for it but nobody wanted to listen or to know how he felt. He raked his hands through his hair and kicked at the chair before letting out a pained shout. Jenny flinch she had never seen him as angry. He lent against the wall with his arms crossed.

“I know nothing I say is going to make any of my actions better Jenny.” He watched her nod and the tears rolling down her face. “When I met you, I hadn’t thought of Sebastian as anything other than the friend he is… or was to me. At least that’s what I thought. But the scales tipped when I found out how he felt.”

Chris dug his fingers into his arms as he spoke. “I have never had another sexual thought about a man in my life till Sebastian.” He watched as Jenny rolled her eyes, “I’ve NOT been lying my whole life.” He held his arms out, “I’ve lie and cheated yes… but this thing with Sebastian, I don’t know it scared me and excited me.” His voice died. “It didn’t seem real… when I saw you it was like I was back in my own and I didn’t need to question what all those feelings meant.”

Jenny had stopped crying she just listened as Chris opened up, he hadn’t to anyone else about it. “I don’t know when it changed, that, that switch where Sebastian became my normal.” Chris knew this couldn’t be easy to hear but it wasn’t easy to say and if anything, he owed Jenny the whole truth.

“I noticed too late though, and I’ve hurt both of you and I deserve all of the hate and anger you both have for me.” Chris couldn’t look at her anymore.

“How have you hurt him?” Jenny asked.

Chris was surprised by the question, “I… I hadn’t told you, I wouldn’t admit my feelings, I expected him to just put up with it.” Chris wiped the tears from his cheeks with anger. “I let him be part of hurting you and that not him Jenny, he has never wanted to hurt you or anyone.”

“When he spilt with Margo?” Jenny asked and Chris just nodded. “What happened last time you were here?”

“He ended it.” Chris said flatly.

Jenny sighed, she was tired, “Do you think I’m such horrible person that I wouldn’t understand that you needed to move on if you weren’t happy in our relationship?” When Chris didn’t respond she came up to him and tentatively placed a hand to his chest. “You have hurt us all Chris.”

“I know.” Chris said.

Jenny laughed “I can’t believe I’m going to ask this but, what is it you want Chris?”

“I want him.” Chris said without hesitation.

Jenny dropped her hand and pulled away as if the words had burnt her.

“Well I’m not standing in your way anymore.”


End file.
